A year ago I walked away from a relationship that would have at some point cost me my life. It was the realisation that I was alive but not living, merely existing, that drove me to walk.
I left a business, a spouse , a home, many acquaintances, a few good friends. It all seemed so wonderful to people looking in from the outside. Simply put very few of my needs were being met. The satisfaction of my needs had been gradually eroded over a five year period. While everything may have looked hunkydory from the outside, I was living in misery.
The one constant that I had was my faith. Ironic that the person who incubated my faith was the one I was walking away from. In fact I comfort myself with the fact that I didnt really walk away with nothing, I took Jesus with me.
No matter what happens to me in my life, the one constant that remains is Jesus, And she led me to him. It was the conscience that Jesus gave me and the understanding that the way I was being was not the Christian way, that led to my departure.
But I digress.
This weekend I am travelling back to that place that I left. I'm travelling back to say a proper goodbye. To close the door. Forever.
The hardest part of this is that I will be going to visit my dying mother. In all likelihood it will be the last time that I see her. But like most relationships that have run the gauntlet of time, this one was less than ideal. It will be painful nevertheless.
I am going to forgive and just perhaps I will receive forgiveness too. I However go from a position of strength, as I have addressed all my demons regarding this episode in my life spiritually. I have sought out the forgiveness of Christ and received it.
What others think, no longer matters anymore. For so long in my life, I based my decisions on what others thought, or what I thought they thought. Now I base my decisions on what Jesus thinks and whats important in my life right now. My faith has liberated my soul.
Sometimes we simply need to close the lid on an issue permanently. The ashes in the urn. A burial at sea. And so Im going to actively close the door on family relationships that have done nothing but hurt me. Sometimes we do do good things for no return, but rarely do we do good things when we know the return will be negative. Im going to Cape Town to neutralise the return. For Ever.
And Jesus is riding in the jump seat.
